


i'm furious at you for making me feel like this

by transzoemurphy



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Because I wanted to, Closeted Character, Fluff, GSA, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I am so tired, Jared Kleinman Is Bad at Feelings, Jared Kleinman Tries, M/M, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Reminiscing, Stream of Consciousness, angst and gay love, based on real life, dont assume theyre cis, i don't even know what this is, i left it ambiguous in this fic on purpose, it's a full mess, listen. idk how to tag, this is a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-16 02:15:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18682078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/transzoemurphy/pseuds/transzoemurphy
Summary: at their schools' gay club, jared wonders why he had to fall for evan hansen, of all people. evan hansen, whose head is currently resting on jared's lap.// yes i changed the wording of a line from taylor swift's 'gorgeous' and called it a title. whos gonna stop me





	i'm furious at you for making me feel like this

**Author's Note:**

> this doesnt align w the canon timeline tm that i diagnosed jared with but u know what?????? thats my emotional support projection character and i do what i want

 

Jared was pretty convinced that Evan Hansen was trying to kill him.

Not literally. Like, he wasn't about to call the police. But figuratively?

Figuratively, Jared was in some deep shit.

The room where the school's LGBTQ Club met was a small, dimly lit room filled with beanbag chairs and couches. It doubled as a reading room when the club wasn't meeting there, but it had fallen out of use due to a lack of opportunity and also a lack of books.

The leader was a young bi woman. She was trans, and married to a trans man. It made Jared's whole heart ache longingly to see how happy the two were.

There were sixteen kids in the room, all of whom Jared knew by name: Evan, Alana, Zoe, Matt, Robin, Peter, Lucian, Emma, Wisteria, Lily, Noah, Miles, Sabrina, Adrian, Rick, and Alyx.

Today they were mostly just hanging out and not really planning anything, meaning the room was full of gay teen angst and the whiteboard was currently being vandalised by Sabrina and Lucian.

But none of that was why Jared was dying. Were he in a small room with fourteen straight strangers, he would be dying, but, like, this was a different kind of dying.

His proximity to Evan was the cause of Jared's upcoming demise. The taller boy had thrown himself across the couch and rested his head in Jared's lap. One of his hands was interlocked with Jared's and the other was curled up next to him. Jared was running his fingers through Evan's soft hair, gazing down fondly at him, but trying not to look too lovestruck.

Meanwhile his heart was beating, like, ten thousand miles a minute. Evan was just so close to him. His little gay heart couldn't handle it anymore.

It had been seven years of this bullshit. Seven years of Evan leaning closer to Jared and setting Jared's heart beating too fast. Seven years of sleepovers and playdates (and "hanging out" as it was called after you turned 10). Seven years of hugs and forehead kisses and hand-holding that was all totally platonic. Seven years of nicknames, of "love," "babe," "Jare," "J," each one a stake pounded into Jared's pounding heart, every single one like a poison destroying him from the inside out but that tasted so good he couldn't stop sipping from the flask. Seven years of secrets and stories and silently wishing there could ever be something more between the two of them.

Seven years. Jared was fed up.

God. His heart just held so much affection for one Evan Hansen.

Not just affection. Love.

He remembered when he'd realised he was capital-I capital-L In Love with Evan. It was a windy afternoon in March of ninth grade and the two had gone to get ice cream for no reason other than that ice cream tasted good and they wanted to hang out. Jared had finished his cone first and laid down but Evan told him he could rest his head on his lap and something about the way Evan had brushed his curls out of his eyes while he laid there staring up at the sky, kind of vulnerable in a way, something about it made him realise, _oh fuck, I'm in love_.

And this reminded him so strongly of that moment that he could almost taste the Oreo ice cream on his tongue; he could almost see Evan's mint ice cream cone.

"Your hair's soft," he found himself saying.

"I washed it last night. Apple cinnamon shampoo, vanilla rose conditioner," Evan responded, reaching up and pushing Jared's glasses back up the bridge of his nose.

"Yes, the conditioner you stole from me."

"That was an accident! Besides, it smells good."

"That's fair."

Zoe smiled at the two of them from across the room and Jared distinctly remembered accidentally blurting out that he'd been in love with her ex for seven years, to which she replied, "I figured. Good luck. I believe in you. Go get some, bro."

But Jared was an entire coward. If there was a school for clowns who fall for people they can't have, he'd be valedictorian. He was so far in the friend-zone that Evan frequently kissed his forehead when they parted. It was just a _thing_.

And like, Evan knew Jared liked him. He'd figured it out at some point and texted him, just to tell him, like, _hey, it's ok, I'm not ready for a relationship right now but I don't want to be weird about this and I don't not want to date you I just have time,_ and Jared had gone home and screamed into his pillow.

But looking down at Evan, Jared wondered how long his self control would last. Because he was genuinely the most beautiful person on this earth, and Jared didn't really know how to deal with that.

So instead of doing something, _anything_ that a normal person would do— instead of just talking to Evan about it— he just said, "I can't believe you stole my fucking conditioner, Evan," and shook his head.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was brought to you by Personal Experiences and the Look that castle and beckett shared in s4ep7. u Know the look. follow my tumblr @trans-zoe-murphy. it has become custom for me to end every fic this way. it's like how youtubers have outros. except my outro is just begging for attention on the blue hellsite. someone pls. ive been there for nearly four years someone help me


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